Thin Ice: An Interactive Observation

My friend, Andy, was lamenting a recent family outing to “Nemo: On Ice.” Why, he wondered, when his son was perfectly happy watching Nemo swim on DVD, should he have to pay $45 a head to watch Nemo swim on ice? I assured him that once a child hits seven or eight, shows “On Ice” lose their magic.

But it turns out ice isn’t just for preschoolers anymore. In their next maneuver to take over the planet one catchy tune at a time, the producers of Disney’s cash cow, “High School Musical,” have taken Troy, Gabriella, and friends from East High to “High School Musical: On Ice!”

Ever the innovators, it seems Disney has broken new ground for more mature shows to hit the ice. And, quite honestly, I’m glad. I think it’s about time someone took “On Ice” to the next level.

They could start with “Sex and the City” which proved timeless this summer, drawing throngs of ladies, gay men, and reluctant boyfriends to the theaters long after Carrie Bradshaw seemed to have closed her book. Surely Dolce & Gabbana can design something fabulous enough for four hotties to triple axel in with a string of men (yes, Samantha Jones, I’m talking about you!) and Manolo Blahnik can branch out into lace-ups – think “Ice-Capades-Meets-Sex-Capades” – and SATC could be resurrected yet again. The title might need some work, though, as “Sex and the City: On Ice” sounds uncomfortably cold.

There are plenty of movies begging for blades and a new audience, the key is picking the right show. For instance, “Gandhi: On Ice” and “Schindler’s List: On Ice” might sound very exciting to watch, as both were fantastic on the big screen, but the starvation diet those characters seemed to thrive on isn’t going to power the typical professional skater for a three-hour-long performance. And I can think of more than one obvious reason why no one should ever produce “Titanic: On Ice.”

So I suppose if I were to pick an Oscar-winner that I wanted to see on skates, it would have to be “Jaws: On Ice,” complete with ice-skating surfers and life guards and starring a giant Zamboni disguised as man-eating sushi. The kids would love it.

And speaking of jumping the shark, what I wouldn’t do for someone to bring us “Happy Days: On Ice.” I see poodle skirts and leather with a juke box off to the side. The whole gang could twist away at Arnold’s and find some way to get Mrs. C all worked up about nothing while Big Al keeps flipping burgers. Yep, yep, yep, just like the good old days. They could bring back the whole cast too, Joanie, Chachi, Ralph, Potsie, and the Fonz. Not Richie Cunningham, though. By then, the demand for blockbusters on blades will skyrocket, and Richie will be too busy resurrecting Daryl Hannah for her big comeback, “Splash: On Ice.”

Although, come to think of it, I’m pretty sure Disney has already done that one. Those folks at Disney are always a step ahead of the rest of us, aren’t they? Why, I bet they’re already putting together the next HSM installment, “College Musical: Broadway Comes to Berkley”.

Hmmm… I wonder if I’m too late to audition for the part of Troy Bolton’s house mom???


(Dedicated to Andy, KK, and Ice Fans everywhere)