Sean Penn Wears Reading Glasses?!?!

I would like to thank the Academy, for keeping the dream alive.

Once again, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts proved to us that winning the world’s highest honors are within reach of us all (yes, I realize the Nobel Prizes are pretty important too, but can you name the last three winners or tell me who they were wearing when they accepted the award?) (I didn’t think so.)

Last night reaffirmed the beauty of these awards, proving that the Oscars are there for the taking for anyone who dares to dream, even for those who have been married to Madonna before.

(Psst. Guy Ritchie, remember that and keep your chin up.)

We heard from past winners, as they bestowed the gentle judgment of affirmations reminiscent of a Boy Scout Banquet or women’s retreat upon this year’s nominees. And we passed judgment of our own, though maybe not quite so gentle, on every stitch and gem that floated down the red carpet and every word and tear that fell into the microphone.

And, speaking of Angelina’s raiding of the Emerald City Jewelers…

We also witnessed a small miracle last night, when Brangelina and Jennifer sat in the SAME BUILDING for FOUR HOURS and the Kodak Theatre did NOT burst into flames, as many tabloids had predicted would happen should those stars align. In fact, I don’t think very many people even noticed.

They may have, however, noticed Mickey Rourke’s silver tooth. It seems he may need to direct some of that money he’s saving by not buying any hair product into a better dental plan.

We are a far cry from the very first Oscars, held in 1929 over an intimate dinner for 250 guests (none of them named “Miley”) at the Roosevelt Hotel. That first year honored films from 1927 and 1928. “Wings” won Best Picture, the only silent film to do so. “The Jazz Singer” was honored for its ground-breaking special effect – sound. And the ceremony lasted only 15 minutes.

Can you imagine an Academy Awards Ceremony that takes less time than putting on a pair of Spanx?

Of course, the 12 straight hours Kate Winslet and the like spend in their Spanx on Oscar day is a bit beyond my comprehension as well. Personally, I could not wait to peel mine off after just a few hours at an Oscars Party of my own last night at Carrie’s Wine Cellar, which was very similar to the Vanity Fair party, complete with paparazzi, champagne, and a bunch of people who didn’t actually “win” awards but refuse to rule it out as a possibility someday. (Except that at Carrie’s, we could re-adjust our push-ups, girdles, and inserts free from the public eye.)

I was rescued from my Spanx when I had to cut out early to perform a musical number of my own, “Put the Kids To Bed Because We Have No Babysitter Tonight,” a piece I try very hard to keep from looking like a “Mommy Dearest” tribute. My part ended just in time for me to see my friend, Stuart, perform in the Academy’s musical number, lifting up Beyonce for her grand entrance. Watching his left hand disappear into Beyonce’s back side gave a whole new meaning to “Put a Ring on It.”

And right now, he is the luckiest person I personally know, fulfilling a longtime dream of mine that has much less to do with copping a feel of Beyonce and much more to do with sharing a stage with Sophia Loren, Hugh Jackman (who, by the way, I have decided will take the spot on my list previously held by the late Paul Newman) and Zac Efron. Only in my dream, Zac is not sporting slicked-down helmet hair.

Maybe another year went by where my dream of winning an Oscar for something (not sure what, I have few dramatic skills) was out of my reach and I did not get hired on as one of those seat-fillers or statuette-hander-outers. But I did learn something very important last night from Penelope, Sean, Kate, and the fabulous cast and crew of “Slumdog Millionaire,” and it is that the Oscars are not for the complacent. They are for the dreamers.

And so begins another year of dreaming up a short film (my best chance, I figure, at getting nominated for something, but I have got to branch out beyond piano recitals and soccer games), planning that Red Carpet outfit, and rehearsing that speech. Because deep down in me, and I know in you too, is that little voice inside that just can’t help but imagine what it would be like to utter those seven little words:

“I would like to thank the Academy…”


PS For more Oscar fun, hop over to my BFF, Rox, for an eye-witness recap of the night's festivities... Things That Go Pop!

And THANK YOU to Sassy Britches for my FABULOUS award!!!