Pimp My Ride

(Readers, please review the following and let me know if you have any ideas you would like to add on our collective behalf.)

Dear General Motors:

My name is Jules, and, according to TaxFoundation.org’s most recent tax payer headcount and my limited math skills, I now own 0.0000005% of General Motors.

Naturally, this grants me both the privilege and responsibility of having some say in your – I mean our – company’s operations.

In preparation for my new role as part-owner, I have taken a personal inventory of my skills and interests as well as several dozen Facebook Quizzes, including an IQ test, a personality test, and “What 80’s Movie Best Defines You?” (“Breakfast Club,” btw, which came as no surprise to me) to determine how I might best be of service to you.

After an exhausting four or five hours online, I was able to rule out anything that has to do with accounting, welding, and ghost-busting. Plus, after scoring only 20% on the “How Well Do You Know Fredrick Henderson” quiz, I can also rule out personal assistant to our CEO.

This leaves two areas where I might be able to lend my expertise, marketing and product design. But, since Tiger Woods was my only really strong marketing idea as well, I decided to focus on product design.

So, GM, I write to you today as a woman who, with her husband, has a combined 27 years experience driving Pontiacs and has taken a few notes across the many miles should an opportunity like this one present itself.

Which reminds me, who do I talk to about my broken DVD player?

My Vision for the New GM:

For the Mom, I’m thinking a rolling sign for the back bumper, similar to the one I saw at the judge’s table during Game 19 of the NBA Finalbowl, that rotates between Baby on Board, the standard soccer ball, Honor Roll Student, and My Kid and My Money Go to College at the touch of a button. Let's simplify life for poor Mom.

I would also add that a pop-up PC in the center console with internet access so Mom can shop, read TMZ, and Twitter while waiting in the carpool line and GPS upgrade that voluntarily announces at 2-minute-intervals exactly how much time remains in the trip should come standard as well.

As for the Athlete, I would like to see a rolling sign, similar to the Mom’s, but with an assortment of numbers to choose from… 13.1, 26.2, 70.3, or 140.6, depending on how much the driver wishes to lower the self-esteem of those around him.

Obviously, people like these have no need for passenger seats, as no one wants to be around them, which would free up plenty of space for a creatine smoothie-maker, a Goo dispenser, and an iPod.

Now, it has long been hoped that an auto maker would make it standard on any car purchased by a senior citizen to include a 90-second turn signal auto shut-off feature.

But I would like to add a sound package that automatically plays the theme from “Rawhide” upon starting the engine and switches to talk radio after the final “hee-yah!” (Happy Father’s Day, Dad!)

In an effort to go green, I will leave it up to the engineers to design the environmentally friendly hybrid, electric, biofuel, E-80, flex, solar, lithium ion, all-natural, gluten-, dairy-, and hormone-free engine. But I do recommend throwing in a free bike. Just to keep it real.

Best of luck to you with your new management. And don’t worry, we’ve done a fantastic job with AIG, and most of us don’t even know jack about finances; the auto industry should be a piece of cake for us Americans to fix.

See you at the summer picnic!

Sincerely,
Jules


(Dedicated to my daddy and the 247,836 miles he put on the GMC Safari; my babies’ daddy and his three Grand Prix’s; and my babies’ daddy’s daddy and his 40 year love affair with GM and its parts)

Under New Management

Dear AIG Employees,

Greetings to you all. I am Jules, one of your 300 million new owners, the American taxpayers.

Oh, don’t be concerned. Working for 300 million people may be a bit intimidating, but I can assure you we are pretty laid back. After all, in the past 233 years, we have created 10 national and government holidays to celebrate such things as the New Year’s Eve hangover and the day Europeans discovered the Caribbean (please check with Joe in Human Resources to make sure you are eligible to receive holiday pay).

We have also adopted, nation-wide, the "business casual" dress code. Forget the three-piece suit and long, dreary skirts. The more of yourself you expose, the faster you will gain recognition for your talents. Tattoos are fine, we all have them too and are tired of pretending we don't. And the term “accessories” has been expanded to include bolts through the ear lobes and whatever those chains are that connect one’s tongue ring to one’s bellybutton ring.

But be warned. It might seem as though anything goes with regard to fashion around here, but there are some definite unwritten rules to which you must adhere. If we feel you are in violation, we will turn you in to TMZ who has a very progressive “Peer Review” system of discipline; you may even have read about some of their findings in our nationally distributed Semi-Annual Report, People Magazine’s Best and Worst Dressed.

While at work, though, we Americans do have a high work ethic with which we expect you to comply. We do allow you to update your Facebook status hourly, provided you include some combination of the words “avoiding work” and “meatball subs and pantyhose” on your profile. “Lunch meetings” during March Madness are encouraged, but crop-dusting around the cubicles is strictly forbidden.

Now, I understand there has been much discussion about your pay rate. Especially those of you higher up. Please remember that, while we Americans may act like we disapprove of the seven- or eight-figure salaries, secretly we have no problem with the practice. Who do you think financed Kevin Garnett’s last contract? (Props to Boston!) We are not opposed to paying large bonuses, we just want to make sure your jump shot is good enough to win a championship first.

All of your other benefits should remain unchanged, although we will likely restructure the corporate wellness program. We are looking into replacing your gym membership and on-site nutritionist with some old Tae Bo tapes and a free one-time consultation with Jenny Craig. And rather than offer personal and family therapy to ensure your mental health, we have catalogued the last 24 years of Oprah by topic and will have them available to help you through any personal crises that arise.

We do have just a couple questions for you about what, exactly, it is you do.

Like, for starters, what are “annuities,” and do they hurt? And that “Executive Liability Insurance” you offer, can I use that when I accidentally forget, let's say, to pack swimming suits for the Girl Scout camp-out, forcing my daughter to spend lake time on the shore helping the troop leader clean eggs off the breakfast dishes?

That would be helpful to me. So would a re-design of your website. I'm thinking flashier graphics, a little Journey playing in the background, and maybe a quick poll or a place to post funny work videos might help drive a little more traffic your -- I mean our -- way.

I look forward to doing my part (1/300,000,000th) to help lead AIG back to profitability and off of my payroll as soon as possible. Please know, as one of your many, many bosses, my office (a 7x7 foot laundry room) is always open.

I will be in contact again soon with a sign-up sheet for the company picnic. It’s going to be potluck this year, I hope you understand.

Have a great week,

Jules