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Monday, March 23, 2009

Under New Management

Dear AIG Employees,

Greetings to you all. I am Jules, one of your 300 million new owners, the American taxpayers.

Oh, don’t be concerned. Working for 300 million people may be a bit intimidating, but I can assure you we are pretty laid back. After all, in the past 233 years, we have created 10 national and government holidays to celebrate such things as the New Year’s Eve hangover and the day Europeans discovered the Caribbean (please check with Joe in Human Resources to make sure you are eligible to receive holiday pay).

We have also adopted, nation-wide, the "business casual" dress code. Forget the three-piece suit and long, dreary skirts. The more of yourself you expose, the faster you will gain recognition for your talents. Tattoos are fine, we all have them too and are tired of pretending we don't. And the term “accessories” has been expanded to include bolts through the ear lobes and whatever those chains are that connect one’s tongue ring to one’s bellybutton ring.

But be warned. It might seem as though anything goes with regard to fashion around here, but there are some definite unwritten rules to which you must adhere. If we feel you are in violation, we will turn you in to TMZ who has a very progressive “Peer Review” system of discipline; you may even have read about some of their findings in our nationally distributed Semi-Annual Report, People Magazine’s Best and Worst Dressed.

While at work, though, we Americans do have a high work ethic with which we expect you to comply. We do allow you to update your Facebook status hourly, provided you include some combination of the words “avoiding work” and “meatball subs and pantyhose” on your profile. “Lunch meetings” during March Madness are encouraged, but crop-dusting around the cubicles is strictly forbidden.

Now, I understand there has been much discussion about your pay rate. Especially those of you higher up. Please remember that, while we Americans may act like we disapprove of the seven- or eight-figure salaries, secretly we have no problem with the practice. Who do you think financed Kevin Garnett’s last contract? (Props to Boston!) We are not opposed to paying large bonuses, we just want to make sure your jump shot is good enough to win a championship first.

All of your other benefits should remain unchanged, although we will likely restructure the corporate wellness program. We are looking into replacing your gym membership and on-site nutritionist with some old Tae Bo tapes and a free one-time consultation with Jenny Craig. And rather than offer personal and family therapy to ensure your mental health, we have catalogued the last 24 years of Oprah by topic and will have them available to help you through any personal crises that arise.

We do have just a couple questions for you about what, exactly, it is you do.

Like, for starters, what are “annuities,” and do they hurt? And that “Executive Liability Insurance” you offer, can I use that when I accidentally forget, let's say, to pack swimming suits for the Girl Scout camp-out, forcing my daughter to spend lake time on the shore helping the troop leader clean eggs off the breakfast dishes?

That would be helpful to me. So would a re-design of your website. I'm thinking flashier graphics, a little Journey playing in the background, and maybe a quick poll or a place to post funny work videos might help drive a little more traffic your -- I mean our -- way.

I look forward to doing my part (1/300,000,000th) to help lead AIG back to profitability and off of my payroll as soon as possible. Please know, as one of your many, many bosses, my office (a 7x7 foot laundry room) is always open.

I will be in contact again soon with a sign-up sheet for the company picnic. It’s going to be potluck this year, I hope you understand.

Have a great week,

Jules

3 comments:

Sassy Britches said...

Tae Bo, Oprah, and potlucks! I wonder if any of that is even on their spolied little radars? :)

kk said...

Love it!

great post!

Jules said...

Glad you enjoyed it! Hopefully AIG will be back on their feet soon with the 99% of its employees who had nothing to do with its dire situation unscathed.
In the meantime, I hope they enjoy the new dress code and employee reviews from Paul Abdul: "You are a shining star, you are you, you look great!"