Monday, March 9, 2009
**WARNING!!! GRAPHIC MATERIAL IN HERE!!! DO NO READ THIS TO YOUNG CHILDREN!!!**
My friend, Janie, called to ask me if we would like to adopt a puppy.
I fell to the floor hysterical with laughter, tears rolling down my cheeks at the very thought of ever potty training another living being. After being nonresponsive for a good eight or ten minutes, I picked myself back up off the floor and caught my breath.
“No,” I started, “I already have one.”
“Oh, okay,” Janie’s voice quivered, “I just thought I would ask.”
“Are you giving yours away?” I asked, wondering how she pulled that off with her kids, and getting out a notepad and a pen just in case she had any pointers I could use.
She heaved a big sigh. “I’m going to be a grandma.”
Her oldest is only 11, so I was a bit surprised by this news.
Luckily, she explained…
“Buster (I think he is a beagle, I don’t really know, he is bigger than a lap dog but smaller than a pony) was out in the back yard a few weeks ago. Our neighbor’s dog (a standard poodle, I asked) came in through a hole in the fence. I guess. I don’t know. I was doing laundry and didn’t even know it had happened until the phone rang. It was my neighbor calling from her back yard to tell me their dog was in our yard… and in heat. I didn’t even know their dog was a girl!”
I didn’t know Janie’s dog was a boy, so I didn’t pass judgment. Janie continued.
“I ran outside with the phone and found Buster on top of Paris (the big poodle), totally going at it.”
“How did he---“ I started, but Janie interrupted.
“I DON’T KNOW! He’s half her size!” she took another breath then went on, “So there I am, in the yard, pulling on Buster’s hips, trying to get him off of her, while the neighbor is yelling over the fence, ‘why haven’t you had him fixed yet?!’ I’m yelling back to her, ‘his appointment is in two weeks!’ And Buster is not budging. My son was on the computer, looking up how to dismount a dog having sex, screaming directions out the screen door while these two dogs are engaged in some pretty raw doggy porn, completely oblivious to everything.”
I pondered the thought of doggy porn taking place in their upscale suburban subdivision and wondered if this, in any way, was a violation of the homeowner’s association.
“How do you---“ I tried to ask, but again, Janie interrupted.
“YOU CAN’T!” she said. “Apparently, the male’s penis fans out and gets ‘stuck’ in the female’s canal.” (She never says the “V” word. Never. Not even when we were in high school.) “And just as Danny was yelling this information to me across the yard, in much more detail than an 11-year-old boy should know, much less announce to a family-friendly neighborhood, Buster tumbled off, his hind legs still in my hands, and we both fell to the ground.”
“And now you’re going to be a grandma?” I asked.
“Yes.” She sounded tired. “So, do you know anyone in the market for a new puppy?”
Still shaking the image of Janie cradling a post-coital canine, I tried to think of something to say to make her feel better.
“Well, I guess Sr. Mary Martin was right,” I laughed, (Sr. M&M was our 11th grade biology teacher who always gave her reproduction lecture the week before spring break) “counting on ‘pull-and-pray’ really can get you into ALL kinds of trouble.”
This week’s story is dedicated to “Janie” and her beautiful family, as they learn to laugh again.