I Would Have Named Him "Farrah," Were He Not A Boy

We decided to get a cat.

And by “we” I do not in any way mean “me,” I mean “he”(my dear and loving husband, Dave), who thought a cat would be good for the garden. Specifically, he thought a cat would motivate the rabbits to quit feasting upon it.

We were quite surprised by the lengthy application process at the Humane Society, including a waiting period and reference checks, in order to walk out with one of their many, many unwanted adult cats.

So for your enjoyment this week, I have listed a sampling of actual questions and the actual answers Dave would not let me submit to the Humane Society in order to obtain a cat:

Name, Address
Weekly Jules, College Town, USA

If you move, will you take this pet with you? Why or why not?
Definitely. If we remember. And can find it.

Will others be handling or caring for the pet?
There are a few regular joggers in the neighborhood that give me the creeps and would absolutely not be allowed to handle it. I would also keep it away from the kid who lights ladybugs on fire with a magnifying glass.

Do any members of your household have allergies?
Me – Penicillin (I get a rash)
Luke –whatever dye is in Fruit Loops (you don’t want to know)

List the pets you have now:
Mack. I am the poster child for the dangers of drinking chocolate martinis at a school auction.

Have you owned any pets in the last five years not listed above? If yes, please explain:
We didn’t technically “own” the cat that showed up at our door that we kept feeding a couple years ago, and we brought it you all as soon as we figured out the little tramp was pregnant and couldn’t tell us who the father was. And we killed a 75-gallon tank full of fish when my husband mixed up the fish food with his margarita. Looked like a freshwater war zone after a couple of hours.

Are you interested in a CAT? RABBIT? FERRET? OTHER?
CAT

What equipment is needed for this particular pet?
Do CATS need car seats?

How much time will your pet spend outdoors?
Why on earth would I let it inside?

Do you have a fence?
For a CAT? Seriously??

If not, how will you safely and humanely ensure your pet stays on your property?
I plan to dig a moat and bank on the cat not being much of a swimmer.

What time period will be needed to prepare for this pet?
I’m not as concerned about having enough time as I am medication. I honestly doubt there is a pharmacy in town well-enough stocked to prepare me for cat ownership. But, just like with human babies, once you hold one in your arms you fall in love instantly, right? That’s what I’m hoping for.

Who will be responsible for socialization and training needs?
I have purchased the “Dog Whisperer” DVD’s and plan to make the cat watch them regularly until he can behave like Caesar’s dogs do.

What grooming requirements do you feel are necessary for this particular pet?
Duh. Nail polish, a flatiron, and hair glitter.

Will this cat share a litter box?
No. Everyone else is potty-trained. Except the dog, who only goes outside. Under penalty of mom goes bat-crazy and threatens to give take him to the family that bid against us at that auction.

If there will be other cats in the household, will you be interested in discussing multi-cat issues with a staff member?
If I ever, and I mean EVER, come in here and ask for more than one cat, I beg you to take me in for a full mental evaluation, for I will obviously be operating outside of my norm.


(But, alas, I was not in charge of completing the application, and we are now the proud owners of an orange tabby.)