Monday, June 29, 2009

I Would Have Named Him "Farrah," Were He Not A Boy

We decided to get a cat.

And by “we” I do not in any way mean “me,” I mean “he”(my dear and loving husband, Dave), who thought a cat would be good for the garden. Specifically, he thought a cat would motivate the rabbits to quit feasting upon it.

We were quite surprised by the lengthy application process at the Humane Society, including a waiting period and reference checks, in order to walk out with one of their many, many unwanted adult cats.

So for your enjoyment this week, I have listed a sampling of actual questions and the actual answers Dave would not let me submit to the Humane Society in order to obtain a cat:

Name, Address
Weekly Jules, College Town, USA

If you move, will you take this pet with you? Why or why not?
Definitely. If we remember. And can find it.

Will others be handling or caring for the pet?
There are a few regular joggers in the neighborhood that give me the creeps and would absolutely not be allowed to handle it. I would also keep it away from the kid who lights ladybugs on fire with a magnifying glass.

Do any members of your household have allergies?
Me – Penicillin (I get a rash)
Luke –whatever dye is in Fruit Loops (you don’t want to know)

List the pets you have now:
Mack. I am the poster child for the dangers of drinking chocolate martinis at a school auction.

Have you owned any pets in the last five years not listed above? If yes, please explain:
We didn’t technically “own” the cat that showed up at our door that we kept feeding a couple years ago, and we brought it you all as soon as we figured out the little tramp was pregnant and couldn’t tell us who the father was. And we killed a 75-gallon tank full of fish when my husband mixed up the fish food with his margarita. Looked like a freshwater war zone after a couple of hours.

Are you interested in a CAT? RABBIT? FERRET? OTHER?

What equipment is needed for this particular pet?
Do CATS need car seats?

How much time will your pet spend outdoors?
Why on earth would I let it inside?

Do you have a fence?
For a CAT? Seriously??

If not, how will you safely and humanely ensure your pet stays on your property?
I plan to dig a moat and bank on the cat not being much of a swimmer.

What time period will be needed to prepare for this pet?
I’m not as concerned about having enough time as I am medication. I honestly doubt there is a pharmacy in town well-enough stocked to prepare me for cat ownership. But, just like with human babies, once you hold one in your arms you fall in love instantly, right? That’s what I’m hoping for.

Who will be responsible for socialization and training needs?
I have purchased the “Dog Whisperer” DVD’s and plan to make the cat watch them regularly until he can behave like Caesar’s dogs do.

What grooming requirements do you feel are necessary for this particular pet?
Duh. Nail polish, a flatiron, and hair glitter.

Will this cat share a litter box?
No. Everyone else is potty-trained. Except the dog, who only goes outside. Under penalty of mom goes bat-crazy and threatens to give take him to the family that bid against us at that auction.

If there will be other cats in the household, will you be interested in discussing multi-cat issues with a staff member?
If I ever, and I mean EVER, come in here and ask for more than one cat, I beg you to take me in for a full mental evaluation, for I will obviously be operating outside of my norm.

(But, alas, I was not in charge of completing the application, and we are now the proud owners of an orange tabby.)


Diane J. said...

Congrats on the new addition to the family. How is the pooch taking it? Thanks for the laugh.

can8ivjayhawk said...

There are sooooo many derogatory comments I could make right now, but I shall move and be a grown up about it. I feel your pain on the cat situation....ours 15 years old and it is time for her to see jesus I think.....

la_vie_en_shoes said...

I can't wait to see Alec with nail polish and flat ironed, glittered fur.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Great job, Jules. This definitely earns you a "Post of the Week" nomination over at my place. Check back Sunday for the results!

Sassy Britches said...

I vote for the moat. And just out of curiosity, does Mack utilize the flat iron and glitter too?

Jules said...

Diane, the dog can't understand why the cat won't play with him!
CA-Hawk, I had to cross off about 15 working titles to this post, all of them hilariously derogatory, but none of them appropriate for my kids to read
Shoegirl, I do hope you'll come help me primp the cat
Chris, thanks for the nomination... if I teach the cat to meow your favorite 80's rock tune, would that improve my chances??
SB, if I ever get the chance to glitter Mack, I will definitely post pictures!!

I'm glad you all have enjoyed this one! :) Jules

LC in Hawktown said...

Jules, Be forwarned: Our late female tabby Rommel (yes,really!)lived for over 17 years. She was our second cat, a cat my husband really didn't want, but she won him over completely with her adoring,worshipful gaze. It was like the song from "Evita"-"You Must Love Me"! She was also known as the $6 million cat for her vet bills in her "golden years." You're brave in allowing the family to take in another critter. Alec is pretty cute,though.

Cathy C. Hall said...

Did you learn nothing from the chocolate martini/Mack debacle? Maybe you should keep a phone number of a trusted friend call in case of emergency. Like when a family member decides a rooster would be fun :-)

KK said...

I wish I would have known you were in the market for a cat... I would have given you ours!