Monday, June 1, 2009

Will Eating Mentos With Pepsi Really Kill You?

Congress has been hard at work this year with one stimulating package after another (did I say that right?), but there is one area in my life still in need of a massive bailout: my email’s inbox.

I propose we ask Congress to pass a law making it illegal for mass emails to be distributed without verification, punishable by a 2-week ban from their “forward” button and mandatory community service involving mending broken novenas and assisting 4th graders with their school e-projects.

I thought by now we would all be street-wise enough to know when we’re being e-duped. Unfortunately that is not the case, as I’m still sorting through piece after piece about – among other things – the likelihood of Mountain Dew lowering my husband’s sperm count (I wish!).

So, as a service to you all, I’m giving you the truth about the current Top 10 mass-distributed emails according to

Baby Carrots Aren’t Really Babies, AND They Probably Cause Cancer: “Baby Carrots” are baby carrots. “Baby-Cut Carrots” are grown-up carrots that are whittled down to look like baby carrots. (Think Brad Pitt in “Benjamin Button.”) They ARE cleaned with chlorine, as are all fresh-cut veggies that we eat, and the chlorine is then washed away. And they are infinitely better for you than pork rinds.

New Dollar Coins Are Godless: No, the new dollar coins have “In God We Trust” encircling the coin around the outer rim. Trust me. God’s not going anywhere. (Though, FYI, He is not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution, and only "Nature's God" is referenced in the Declaration of Independence. Let's start a petition!!)

Asparagus Will Cure Cancer: Scientists have not been able to prove this. But I’m pretty sure they have been able to prove it will make your pee smell funny.

Jesus is Hitting the Silver Screen in Drag: Okay, maybe not drag, but the email states that Jesus will be portrayed in an upcoming film as a homosexual. Although there is an amendment to our Constitution that would allow this and nothing that would force anyone to watch it, we can all breathe easy. For this rumor is, as it has been for the past 25 years (yes, it predates the internet) unfounded. False. Not gonna happen. Which means “Gigli” still ranks as Hollywood’s #1 atrocity.

Obama Will Pay For College if You Quit Going to Church: Nope. But if you are a college student who would like a little financial assistance in exchange for doing a little volunteer work, the GIVE Act is for you. And you can still go to church.

Lemon Fresh Joy and Listerine Will Kill Mosquitos: No. But, used properly, they will clean your dishes and freshen your breath, respectively.

Breast Cancer Patient Protection Act: This one is true. And if you love boobs, whether you are an owner or just an admirer of them, you should contact your senator and representative to be sure they are handled with care.

(Insert Company Name) is Giving Away (Free Stuff): Sony is not giving away laptops, GAP is not giving away gift cards, Bill Gates is not paying you to hit forward, and every time you send this email to your friends, the terrorists win.

Mars is Coming! Mars is Coming!: That one is soooo August 27, 2003, when Mars actually did come breezing by within mere millions of miles of the earth. Sorry if you missed it. If it makes you feel any better, the “glowing red circle” was the size of a pinhead, and it will likely happen again in 15 years.

Telemarketers Will Call Your Cell Phones: False. They will, however, still call you while you are eating dinner.

Furthermore, Snopes has debunked the effectiveness of all mass-boycotts, so if you want to join a movement to lower your fuel bill, ride your bike. Also, there is no promise that pushing any poem, prayer, picture or prose will prompt prosperity, so please… don’t burden your buds with such bull. And, for the love of all that is good and holy, please get it through your head that no one is trying to give your Social Security Benefits away to illegal aliens, and Aunt Edna is probably not qualified to spread any information about any of it.

That said, should any of you come across anything that resembles the truth about Jon and Kate swinging with Brangelina or anything at all related to a possible Facebook fee, PLEASE forward!


Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Thanks for clearing all that up, Jules. I appreciate the public service.

I have to go now. Some guy from Bangladesh is wiring me seven million dollars.

Morgan the Muse said...

well, thanks for that. Last summer my mom fell for the listerine one... we found the bottle of half-used off-brand on our screen porch yesterday as we were cleaning. *sigh* at least it smelt good.

Sassy Britches said...

WHAT?! No resolution to the Pepsi and Mentos question?! I feel duped. :)

Jules said...

Chris- You are so lucky! Every time I try to help an online stranger out, they NEVER wire me the money. Have fun with your millions!
Morgan- You crack me up! I hope you are enjoying your first summer off college
Sass- I think the answer was no, but you better check snopes before you try it!!

Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

Hi again, Jules. I just gave you an award over at my place, so come grab the badge and complete your homework.


Mr. Condescending said...

thank god the t.m.'s wont be calling my cell phone. thanks for making me rest assured :)