Monday, June 15, 2009

Pimp My Ride

(Readers, please review the following and let me know if you have any ideas you would like to add on our collective behalf.)

Dear General Motors:

My name is Jules, and, according to’s most recent tax payer headcount and my limited math skills, I now own 0.0000005% of General Motors.

Naturally, this grants me both the privilege and responsibility of having some say in your – I mean our – company’s operations.

In preparation for my new role as part-owner, I have taken a personal inventory of my skills and interests as well as several dozen Facebook Quizzes, including an IQ test, a personality test, and “What 80’s Movie Best Defines You?” (“Breakfast Club,” btw, which came as no surprise to me) to determine how I might best be of service to you.

After an exhausting four or five hours online, I was able to rule out anything that has to do with accounting, welding, and ghost-busting. Plus, after scoring only 20% on the “How Well Do You Know Fredrick Henderson” quiz, I can also rule out personal assistant to our CEO.

This leaves two areas where I might be able to lend my expertise, marketing and product design. But, since Tiger Woods was my only really strong marketing idea as well, I decided to focus on product design.

So, GM, I write to you today as a woman who, with her husband, has a combined 27 years experience driving Pontiacs and has taken a few notes across the many miles should an opportunity like this one present itself.

Which reminds me, who do I talk to about my broken DVD player?

My Vision for the New GM:

For the Mom, I’m thinking a rolling sign for the back bumper, similar to the one I saw at the judge’s table during Game 19 of the NBA Finalbowl, that rotates between Baby on Board, the standard soccer ball, Honor Roll Student, and My Kid and My Money Go to College at the touch of a button. Let's simplify life for poor Mom.

I would also add that a pop-up PC in the center console with internet access so Mom can shop, read TMZ, and Twitter while waiting in the carpool line and GPS upgrade that voluntarily announces at 2-minute-intervals exactly how much time remains in the trip should come standard as well.

As for the Athlete, I would like to see a rolling sign, similar to the Mom’s, but with an assortment of numbers to choose from… 13.1, 26.2, 70.3, or 140.6, depending on how much the driver wishes to lower the self-esteem of those around him.

Obviously, people like these have no need for passenger seats, as no one wants to be around them, which would free up plenty of space for a creatine smoothie-maker, a Goo dispenser, and an iPod.

Now, it has long been hoped that an auto maker would make it standard on any car purchased by a senior citizen to include a 90-second turn signal auto shut-off feature.

But I would like to add a sound package that automatically plays the theme from “Rawhide” upon starting the engine and switches to talk radio after the final “hee-yah!” (Happy Father’s Day, Dad!)

In an effort to go green, I will leave it up to the engineers to design the environmentally friendly hybrid, electric, biofuel, E-80, flex, solar, lithium ion, all-natural, gluten-, dairy-, and hormone-free engine. But I do recommend throwing in a free bike. Just to keep it real.

Best of luck to you with your new management. And don’t worry, we’ve done a fantastic job with AIG, and most of us don’t even know jack about finances; the auto industry should be a piece of cake for us Americans to fix.

See you at the summer picnic!


(Dedicated to my daddy and the 247,836 miles he put on the GMC Safari; my babies’ daddy and his three Grand Prix’s; and my babies’ daddy’s daddy and his 40 year love affair with GM and its parts)


Chris said...

Sign me up for one of them vehicles you designed, Jules. And make sure you get the commission!

Jeff said...

Excellent. Your skills will come in handy when we also own major airlines.

LC in Hawktown said...

Loved this one,Jules! We'd buy these vehicles,too!

LC in Hawktown

Diane J. said...

Love it! I will ask for one more standard item on the mom-mobile: A quiet glass. You know, similar to the privacy glass on a limo. It will come down at the push of a button and keep the noise out, but we can still keep watch.